If you will be given a chance to choose how you would lose someone, would you want it to be done abruptly, or slowly?
But if you really think about it, isn’t living your day to day life supposed to be your way of ‘slowly’ accepting that someday, sooner or later, you are going to lose all the people you love? That’s the finality of life whether we like it or not. Because everything is temporary. Even your existence is.
So as much as I can, I try to live my daily life thinking it can be my or anyone’s last day. Because I don’t want to regret not having the chance to say I love someone. Because I know that no matter how hard I try to ask or even pray for it every day, I won’t get another day with the people I already lost.
I just have to trust in His plans, right? I just have to have faith in Him and believe that He knows what He is doing. That everything will be okay.
But. 9th Mother’s Day without my own mom to greet. I still miss you everyday. Everyday it still hurts like it was just yesterday. And everyday I still pray for just one more day with you. 😥
Everything will be okay. Repeat until true. Maybe not today, but someday everything will make sense.
What is the better word to pair this with than love? But for me I believe otherwise. Because when it is real, you look beyond the flaws and imperfections. You see all the good and the bad and accept them. You realize the fears and insecurities and do everything to overcome them.
Love is not blind but it is the opposite. Because love is all-seeing. And that is what makes love real though it is not perfect.
Thank you for being my light at night
Thank you for being my sunshine when it rained
Thank you for making me smile even before the first tear escaped my eye
Thank you for believing in me when I doubted myself
Thank you for guiding me when I didn’t know which path to take
Thank you for taking my hand every time I fell
Thank you for being there for me when everyone left
And today I realized
Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see
Maybe I just felt what I needed to feel
But in reality, everything was just an illusion
Perfect scenarios I created in my mind
Because now you will be the one to leave
And I will be left alone again
At the center of this one large crowd
With only myself to depend on
Now I feel even more lost than before you found me
I am this confused about my feelings that I had to check the dictionary to know the difference between love and like.
Surprise surprise. I still don’t get it. I don’t understand whatever this is I am feeling. All I know is that this isn’t normal.
So there is this one person whom I enjoy being with. I don’t remember how it started. I just know that I woke up one morning looking forward to workdays because I got to see that person. I got to talk to that person.
I know this isn’t right and that I shouldn’t be feeling this way towards that person. Maybe this is just some special kind of friendship? But whatever this is, I will feel this even when I can’t, even if I can’t, even if I shouldn’t.
That day started like any other normal day for us. We went home from work at 7 in the morning. Yup. You read it right. Morning.
When you dropped me off at home, I didn’t sleep right away. Because that was what I used to do. To wait for you to get home so we could sleep at the same time. Then there was our usual exchange of I love you’s.
I woke up early. At around 1 in the afternoon. There was still no message from you so I assumed you were still sleeping. I sent you a text telling you I wouldn’t be able to report to work that day. I wasn’t feeling well. I even asked you a favor to call AbsenceCare to inform them I was calling in sick. And when you woke up, it was the first thing you did.
You left home at around 4 in the afternoon. We were still talking. And I went out of the house for the first time that day to buy myself food. I asked you a question. It was nothing big of a deal. To be honest, I don’t even remember the stupid question now. It was that nonsense. But I got irritated at you for not answering it. I knew then, and I know now, that it was wrong of me to get irritated at you for it. And I apologized to you right away. But somehow it affected you much to not talk to me the rest of the day. I apologized too many time but you were really hard-headed. You didn’t talk to me. I waited all night for you to soften up a little. But you were plain cold. I waited until around three in the morning. I was just fighting off sleepiness. I tried to stay awake waiting for you to accept my apology. But after trying so hard, I finally gave up. I slept that night, (or morning? Or dawn?) with us not being okay. And it hurt me that you seemed just fine.
Your coldness went on until the following day. You barely talked to me. But some time in the evening, I finally convinced you to meet me. I was hoping you would be okay once you saw me. But I was wrong. You were still emotionless. Until you finally broke up with me. You told me you didn’t love me anymore. It seemed easy for you, like it was just a normal thing to do. I didn’t want to believe all the words I was hearing from you. But I saw everything in your eyes. All the love was gone.
I got up from the chair and walked out of the room. And you just watched me walk out of your life, forever. You didn’t run after me. You were never sorry for the hurtful things you said to me.
Until now, I still don’t know what happened to you, to us. But I forgive you. Even if you didn’t ask for it. Even if I am not sure if you deserve it. I am doing this not only for you, but more for myself.
I don’t know where I got the strength to walk away from you that night. But I guess it was just the right thing to do. Everything happens for a reason. And I still believe I am where I am supposed to be right now. We always are.