Deafening Silence

I’ve already lived 1/3 of my life without you. If I can just put my life on hold so I won’t have to live the rest of it without you by my side, I will. I don’t want to ever forget what you looked like. And I sometimes secretly wish that somewhere in a parallel universe, I still have you. But in this lifetime and universe I am now, the only choice I have is to live with the pain knowing that I won’t ever get to see you again. Because I don’t wanna move on. I don’t wanna forget.

Sometimes I feel like I can get through whatever life throws at me because I already survived my greatest fear, that is losing you. But I know in losing you, I gained my personal guardian angel.

Happy birthday Mother!




Life. Happy Mother’s Day! 

If you will be given a chance to choose how you would lose someone, would you want it to be done abruptly, or slowly?

But if you really think about it, isn’t living your day to day life supposed to be your way of ‘slowly’ accepting that someday, sooner or later, you are going to lose all the people you love? That’s the finality of life whether we like it or not. Because everything is temporary. Even your existence is. 

So as much as I can, I try to live my daily life thinking it can be my or anyone’s last day. Because I don’t want to regret not having the chance to say I love someone. Because I know that no matter how hard I try to ask or even pray for it every day, I won’t get another day with the people I already lost. 

I just have to trust in His plans, right? I just have to have faith in Him and believe that He knows what He is doing. That everything will be okay. 

But. 9th Mother’s Day without my own mom to greet. I still miss you everyday. Everyday it still hurts like it was just yesterday. And everyday I still pray for just one more day with you. 😥 

Everything will be okay. Repeat until true. Maybe not today, but someday everything will make sense. 

Wish You Were Here, Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. Every single day. I still haven’t forgotten the sound of your voice. But it breaks my heart that I don’t remember your scent anymore. I don’t want to ever forget you. I want your memories to remain forever on my mind and in my heart. 

Sometimes I wonder what or who or where I would be if you were still here. 

What would you tell me now if I lay in bed with you, relaying to you all the things that happened to me today? 

Would I be experiencing this heartbreak, this sadness, that I am feeling now if you were still alive? 

What would you have done to spare me from all the heartaches I’ve had? Or even to just help me mend my broken heart? 

Would you have known from the start if the guy I was dating had good intentions? 

All these questions… With no way of knowing the answers to them. 

It’s been eight years yet feels just like yesterday. 

My longing for you… The pain of missing you… Emotions that even time can’t heal. 

I wish I can have just one more day with you again, Mom. 

To reminisce all the memories we had. To laugh at my stupidity. To cry on your shoulder when everything feels heavy. 

I wish you were with me tonight, Mom. To listen to all my rants. Then hug me and tell me to sit back and relax, everything will be alright. Because it will be, right? I will be okay. 

Just one more day, that’s all I’m asking☹️😭

Mother’s love is the purest

When you look at your mother’s eyes, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know. 

For One More Day, Mitch Albom

That has been my favorite quote for eight years now. 

And for eight years I’ve been afraid of receiving calls on wee hours. 

May 2008. 
I sent my mother that quote when I greeted her on Mother’s Day. She was so touched she even called me on my phone to tell me how much she loved it. I was so happy I made her feel extra special on that day. I wasn’t expecting to get that response from her. I thought it was just a simple greeting. (Proves how simple/small things we do can mean so much to someone). Little did I know that that was the last Mother’s Day she’d have on earth. 

Four months later…

At around 3 in the morning, I got a call from my brother telling me our mother was gone. I didn’t know what to do nor say. I just cried. I felt weak. The world around me went dark. I went numb. I just sat on the floor and cried for only God knows how long.

Seven Mother’s-Days(eight years) later…

Here I am. Still missing her so much. I could still feel the pain like it was just yesterday. And I believe that’s the only pain that the passing of time can’t heal. 

I’d do anything just to have one more day with her again. To tell her how much I miss and love her. And to tell her that I know much she had sacrificed for us. And that I appreciate everything. And to know if she’s doing okay. I need her to tell me she’s okay and that I’ll be okay too. I just need to be with her again. I miss her so much. 

PS. While everyone’s celebrating Mother’s Day, I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday instead my mind was busy missing my mother. Nevertheless, I’d still like to greet everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.