Deafening Silence

I’ve already lived 1/3 of my life without you. If I can just put my life on hold so I won’t have to live the rest of it without you by my side, I will. I don’t want to ever forget what you looked like. And I sometimes secretly wish that somewhere in a parallel universe, I still have you. But in this lifetime and universe I am now, the only choice I have is to live with the pain knowing that I won’t ever get to see you again. Because I don’t wanna move on. I don’t wanna forget.

Sometimes I feel like I can get through whatever life throws at me because I already survived my greatest fear, that is losing you. But I know in losing you, I gained my personal guardian angel.

Happy birthday Mother!

💕♥️

SILENCE

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Life. Happy Mother’s Day! 

If you will be given a chance to choose how you would lose someone, would you want it to be done abruptly, or slowly?

But if you really think about it, isn’t living your day to day life supposed to be your way of ‘slowly’ accepting that someday, sooner or later, you are going to lose all the people you love? That’s the finality of life whether we like it or not. Because everything is temporary. Even your existence is. 

So as much as I can, I try to live my daily life thinking it can be my or anyone’s last day. Because I don’t want to regret not having the chance to say I love someone. Because I know that no matter how hard I try to ask or even pray for it every day, I won’t get another day with the people I already lost. 

I just have to trust in His plans, right? I just have to have faith in Him and believe that He knows what He is doing. That everything will be okay. 

But. 9th Mother’s Day without my own mom to greet. I still miss you everyday. Everyday it still hurts like it was just yesterday. And everyday I still pray for just one more day with you. 😥 

Everything will be okay. Repeat until true. Maybe not today, but someday everything will make sense. 

100 Days of Happiness – Day 99

It’s almost end of the year. 

I arrived home at past 8 in the morning. I slept for almost four hours. When I woke up, I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t figure out what was hurting. All I knew was I wasn’t okay. 

My sister decided to pay a visit to Zhia, my brother’s daughter who always cried whenever she saw me. 

Good thing when she saw me today, she didn’t cry. She even wanted me to carry her. Wooooo. ❤

We stayed at their place for almost three hours. By the time we got to my Aunt’s place, it was already past 5 in the afternoon. And I was really feeling exhausted I wasn’t able to go to my massage appointment. 

I tried eating dinner but just minutes after I ate, I vomited. So I went to bed early. 

Hope I feel better soon. 

💯 

100 Days of Happiness – Day 98

Last working day for the year!! My teammates and I were all feeling lazy. We went out for lunch then I bought books. I’m back to my goals!! This time I won’t let anyone distract me anymore. Can’t wait for 2017!! 

I was hesitant to go to the province and celebrate New Year with my cousins because I was really feeling exhausted. So I told my cousin if I get a bus ticket then I’d go home but if not, then I’d just stay in Manila. Well. The sign led me home. ❤

💯 

100 Days of Happiness – Days 94, 95 & 96

I was excited for Christmas. Always been. But this year, something’s different. It didn’t feel like Christmas. I don’t know if it’s just me, if there was something wrong with me. Or we were just really too busy preparing for my cousin’s wedding. Or. I don’t know. Is the world changing? 

So yeah. We didn’t have much activity for Christmas. We didn’t even have our tradition of opening of gifts(so yeah until now the gifts are still under the Christmas tree, unopened). We had party at the bride’s place. I think it was a tradition in provinces where there would be dances and interviews for the couple. So we were there from like 5 in the afternoon until around 10 in the evening. 

Day after, wedding day. We woke up at 7 in the morning. Took a bath and grabbed a quick meal then went to the hotel where we were supposed to meet the makeup artists. But they weren’t there yet when we arrived so we still had time to go to the dress shop to have Anne’s(my niece) dress adjusted. 

By the time we came back to the hotel, they were just starting to do the makeup of the other bridesmaids. In short, we were behind schedule. There were other activities that were skipped due to lack of time. 

The actually ceremony was supposed to start at 2PM, but we were fifteen minutes late. There were other issues and problems during the wedding day itself but at least we all got through it. My cousin is now a married man❤

After the reception, there was still an after-party at my cousin’s place. There was this guy… And the rest was history. Lol we went to bed at past 1 in the morning. 

I woke up at 7 in the morning the following day(which was today) because we were headed to Manila. We were just on a trip the whole day. 

I came home at around 9 in the evening. And I still have to report to work tomorrow. 

Exhausted. But it was fuuuun. Mini vacay at the province❤

Wish You Were Here, Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. Every single day. I still haven’t forgotten the sound of your voice. But it breaks my heart that I don’t remember your scent anymore. I don’t want to ever forget you. I want your memories to remain forever on my mind and in my heart. 

Sometimes I wonder what or who or where I would be if you were still here. 

What would you tell me now if I lay in bed with you, relaying to you all the things that happened to me today? 

Would I be experiencing this heartbreak, this sadness, that I am feeling now if you were still alive? 

What would you have done to spare me from all the heartaches I’ve had? Or even to just help me mend my broken heart? 

Would you have known from the start if the guy I was dating had good intentions? 

All these questions… With no way of knowing the answers to them. 

It’s been eight years yet feels just like yesterday. 

My longing for you… The pain of missing you… Emotions that even time can’t heal. 

I wish I can have just one more day with you again, Mom. 

To reminisce all the memories we had. To laugh at my stupidity. To cry on your shoulder when everything feels heavy. 

I wish you were with me tonight, Mom. To listen to all my rants. Then hug me and tell me to sit back and relax, everything will be alright. Because it will be, right? I will be okay. 

Just one more day, that’s all I’m asking☹️😭