My Reality

I have been playing scenarios in my head

That I know will never happen

I have been daydreaming a lot lately

That I am beginning to forget reality

And it has now become my hideout

From the outside world’s cruelty


The Longest And The Loneliest Ride

I saw you today. 

I stand there with a trembling feeling as I look at you from a distance. It’s been weeks since the last time I saw you. Though you were always in my dreams, it still felt different when I saw you, the real you. 

I rode the same elevator with you. 

The space seemed a little smaller than the usual. You stood beside me. And I felt the electricity, that tingling feeling, when your arm accidentally brushed against my skin. Why did it feel so alien when we used to be more than that before?

We waited in silence. It was deafening but inside my head I was screaming for your name. I wanted to hold your hand like we used to. Did you remember everything too? The way you used to cling to me like you couldn’t imagine a life without me? The way you used to kiss me like you never wanted to stop? The way you used to wrap me in your arms like you never wanted to let me go? Because I did. I remembered everything. And maybe I still do. That maybe I have never forgotton a single thing about you, about us. But that man I knew has been long gone. The man who was standing there beside me was someone I didn’t know. 

I tried so hard to stop myself from begging for answers. 

I put my earphones on and just stood there. I didn’t even dare to look at you again the entire ride. It was the longest and loneliest elevator ride I have ever had. But it was the best elevator ride I could have had with you. 

No Way To Go But Up

Just today, I saw the film Sing‘s trailer. And I already liked it. Planning on watching it at the cinema, alone maybe? (Next would be La La Land) Any reviews on these movies? Lol

So anyway, there is this one line from the trailer that really caught my attention.

You know what is great about hitting rock bottom? There is only one way left to go. And that is UP.

Amazing, right? And I couldn’t agree with it more.

As what I have been reiterating, 2016 has been one of the worst years in my entire 26 years of existence. I was lost and I did not know what to do with my life anymore. Surprisingly, ending it did not occur on my mind. I was not as depressed as I had been the year I lost my mom. But I would say, I was at the lowest point of my life. Yeah, I hit rock bottom. And they say that when you come to this point in your life, you have two options. It is either you stay there, or choose the other way which is UP.

For weeks, I chose to stay at the bottom. I lay down on the rocks and tasted the ground. I saw the shattered pieces of myself scattered around me. But I didn’t have the courage to get up and pick them up. Hell I didn’t even try to reach for them. I thought I needed help, and who can better help me than the same person who dropped me in this dark hole, right? It sucked the remaining little amount of happiness and life out of me. I kept on waiting for him to come back and pick me up. Weeks passed. Still nothing, no one came. Took me a while to realize that the only person who could help me, was ME. It took me a lot of effort to drag myself out of that dirt. But it was still something, right? Realizing I had to help myself was the first step towards getting better, feeling better.

Slowly, I worked my way out of the dark pit. Relying on my strength, I carefully climbed the ladder that I built. Not gonna take full credits for it though. My best friend and my family played a big role too. They all respected the privacy that I needed and trusted me that I can get myself out of this situation, like what I have always done before. Being with the right people really helps. And yes, I am proud to say that in the last few days of 2016, I was able to pick some of my pieces up. I was ecstatic about the coming year. The things that I could do. Places I would love to visit. Then there was my plan to live healthy. Suddenly I was full of passion. I wanted to do more. I wanted to do better. I wanted to be better.

And then I stumbled upon Alisha‘s (Yep, saw your name on your Twitter account and actually followed you there and on IG. Hope that was okay since you posted it on your blog?) post regarding her online Creative Writing classes. I have been wanting to enroll in online classes too. But it was only during that moment when I said to myself, maybe it was time to finally do something about it. I tried Full Sail University, but there was still an additional exam for us residing in the Philippines that we should take in order to be eligible to enroll in the said course. So I looked for other online sites and luckily, I found a lot. There was Coursera, Udemy and Alison. The first two also happened to have mobile applications available for iOS. I am just not sure if they have it on other systems too. I purchased two courses from Udemy, and I am currently taking Diploma in English Language and Literature in Alison.

I don’t want to be the person who just keeps on saying the things s/he loves without making an effort to see it happen. I had no control over the things that happened to me, no way I could control my ex boyfriend’s actions and emotions, I couldn’t question God when he took my Aunt from us, but these, the things that I am passionate about, I have control over these things.

I know this is just the beginning. I have not yet fully recovered but I know I am on my way there. I am just taking everything one day at a time. And I am in no hurry. I believe there is no need to rush. I am wherever I am supposed to be right now. And I will be wherever I deserve to be with who I deserve to be with in the right time.

Way to go! 🙂

P.S. I have been reading Eat Pray Love and I can totally relate to this line:

If you sense a faint of happiness after such dark times you must grab on to the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt – this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life, it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight. 


It was nice to be back to a familiar place, see a familiar face, and feel all emotions at once. I never knew how unhappy and indifferent I had been until I felt nostalgic the moment I caught site of the houses that emerge from the trees up above the mountains. It sent a signal to my brain telling me I was home. I knew the ride would still take an hour but I couldn’t wait to feel the cold air on my skin when I get off the bus. 

I thought that with all the memories this place have of me, I would feel sad the moment I stepped foot on its grounds. I was surprised when I felt otherwise. I wouldn’t say I was happy, but it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Yes the memories were there, haunting me wherever I went, but I didn’t remember the feelings anymore. It was just that mixed feeling of pleasure and sadness by being reminded of the past. 

It’s just funny how sometimes you find yourself in a place where you were exactly a year ago, with the memories of the person you’ve been trying to run away from. 

I know I’m not ready yet, but someday I’ll be able to go back to that place I call home with someone holding my hand before it gets frozen. Someone who’ll walk with me and take pictures of me inside the Christmas Village. Someone who’ll patiently wait for me as I scavenge for rare items in Harrison Night Market. Someone who’ll eat with me at my favorite local restaurants. Someone who’ll make me feel that home isn’t just a place, but can sometimes be a person. Someone who’ll make me realize that it’s him. My home. ❤

Beauty In An Ending

Isn’t it a special kind of privilege to be able to witness this scene? To see the beauty there is in an ending? To look at it and smile, knowing you fought up until the end. Knowing it was a good fight even though you had to fight it alone. To finally have the strength to move on and accept that it was meant to come to an end. To be able to look back without regrets. 
I know this is cliche, but an ending is not just an ending, but also a beginning. It may have left you with scars but don’t let them stop you from appreciating the beauty of what’s around you, and even yourself, most specially yourself. Some of these scars may completely heal, but some will remain to remind you of how strong you have been and how stronger you can be tomorrow. 

You may be lost in the dark now, but remember that it’s just temporary. And sometimes it’s necessary to be lost in order to be found again. That it’s okay to dive into the darkness to find the light at the end of it. Because there is for sure. 

Cry if you must. But don’t let the tears cloud your vision to appreciate what’s coming next. This ending opens doors for endless possibilities. You can choose which door to open. Or you can stay in the dark. Cling to the past. It’s all up to you. The choice is yours, only yours to make. So choose wisely. 

Someone once told me, ‘Stop ruining your life because of the bad choices people make.‘ It’s your life to live. Don’t depend it on someone else. 

Keep reaching for that goals you wrote on your planner when the year started. Work on getting the things, be it material or not, you pinned on your corkboard wall. 

After this darkness, you’ll have tomorrow to pick yourself up again. Because tomorrow is another day. Because for every sunset, there is a sunrise. 

Cheers to a Better Me

I have recently read an article where the author discussed how we should focus on the process, instead of the goal. Like instead of saying ‘my goal is to lose five pounds’, we should instead say ‘I will workout twice a week’ 

It makes sense actually. It’s not really just about the destination, it’s on how to get there. 

Before this year started, I had a lot on my mind. There were so many things that I wanted to do. I thought of printing everything and posting them on a wall, or just a dream board so I could have a visual representation of my ‘goals’. And then from there I would come up of a plan on how to achieve those goals. My goals then were specific and very limited. So when I read the article, I changed my approach. 

Well, definitely I would still print images of some of them such as planes(for traveling), books, etc. 

But these are the changes on my lifestyle that I would try my very best to do this year(and maybe for the rest of my life?), all for a better me. 

  • Do a bedtime workout every night
  • Jog on Sundays
  • Boxing session on Thursdays
  • Yoga on Saturdays
  • Eat healthy – try to avoid junk foods, oily foods
  • Cook more often instead of eating at fast food chains 
  • Read more books 
  • Write. Write. Write. 
  • Watch more TV series and movies
  • Save. Save. Save. 
  • Do the 52-week money challenge(and actually finish it until the end of the year) 
  • Open separate accounts for traveling, emergency funds, and preparation for when buying my own house or condominium unit
  • Buy a life insurance
  • Starting investing 
  • Eat. Pray. Love. ❤

This isn’t ‘New Year. New Me’. This is just my now self crossing to a better me, still bringing with me pieces of what I have and what I am right now. Because how can I ever learn and grow if I will totally forget and leave behind my old self? ❤

Sounds a lot eh? I can do this. Aja! 💪🏼🙏🏼