My Most Hated List

We live in a crazy world. Or should I say, this world is occupied by crazy people? 

There are things we like, yet we do the exact opposite of those. This leaves us with a long list of could-haves, should-haves, what-ifs. And this drives us crazy. But this has become a never-ending cycle for most of us, as if having experienced it once or twice isn’t enough. We never learn from our past, not even from other people’s mistakes. Some of us really like to learn things the hard way. 

I, myself, am sometimes living in these dangerous phrases could-haves, should-haves and what-ifs. And it is a very dangerous place to visit, what more to stay in. I’ve been trying to stay as far away from it as possible. Because whenever I glimpse at it, depression and loneliness meet me there. And they welcome me both arms wide open, as if always expecting to see me. 

Today is one of those rare days when I choose to dwell on it. 

I think of all the places I went and wished I was adoring the views with him. 

I remember all the events I attended and thought what it would have felt like if he attended those events with me. 

I look back at all the times I was down and prayed he was there for me. 

I close my eyes and when I open them I am taken to a different place, different time, when everything was still okay. I can still clearly see every moment we had together. 

A single tear escaped my eye, making me come back to reality. 

I scan the photos on my phone and ask, what happened to this man? 

What could have I done to make him stay? What are the things I could have said to change his mind?  

A day won’t be enough for me to list down all my questions, regrets, memories that haunt me. I know there is no point in dwelling on these. But there are just rare days like this one when I can’t help but revisit the past. 

Maybe I’m allowed to feel this way once in a while? 

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